Reb's World: Bag Lady Stories

Now for a few stories…

The very first day that The Bag Lady worked with us, she took a potty break. Thankfully, I was in the back of the office when she came back to the front, so she confided all of this in D instead of me. She told D that she thought she had broken the toilet seat. Her stomach had been hurting since she was so nervous about her first day. After she lined the toilet seat with TP, she sat down, and *WOOSH*!! Something happened and she was pretty sure the seat was broken. She said that it was just nervous gas. (As in…her nervous gas was so strong it blew her sideways on the toilet, and she broke the lid. As in…no more going to the bathroom that afternoon!) It didn’t stop there…she then turned around and asked D to make sure she didn’t have TP hanging out of her pants. She said she had done that before and was really embarrassed so she always tries to get someone to check for her now. Keep in mind, this is the SECOND time that we have ever met her!!!

There is a place during the registration process that asks if the patient has a Living Will. We have been told that it is more for inpatient registration than for outpatient, so we don’t have to ask our patients that question. Oh, no, not The Bag Lady. She thinks that because they talked about it in her training class that she HAS to ask EVERY SINGLE PERSON. Two situations in particular were quite hilarious. When she asked one man if he had a living will, he replied, “Yes, ma’am, I do. Do you have one?” The Bag Lady hung her head in shame then said, “No, Sir. I really need to take care of that though.” He got a big kick out of that! When she asked one lady about it, the lady asked what a Living Will was. At this point, most people would assume that if you didn’t know what it was, you probably didn’t have one. Again…not The Bag Lady. She looked this woman in the face and said (quite loudly, I might add), “If you were to die today in the clinic, do you have plans for that?” The lady looked A. Confused and 2. Terrified. At this point, I stepped in, told the lady not to worry…we were not planning on anyone dying in our office and told BL =to put “No” in the slot. We have all tried to explain to her that it is not necessary to ask that question to the patients, but she still does it. We haven’t had any more “near death experiences” but it is still quite uncomfortable every time!

One afternoon it was smoking hot in our office. Our vents are on the ceiling so I had to get our handy dandy stick to open it. After the air started flowing, The Bag Lady asked me if the cold air ever bothered my Arthritis. I said, “Huh?” She replied, “You know, when you get cold, does it hurt your joints?” I just looked back at her, I’m sure with a not so nice look on my face, and said, “Um, I don’t think so.” She then asked me if it started to bother her, could I just close it so the air didn’t blow on her. I just shook my head and said, “Sure.”

The Bag Lady asked if David cooked dinner for me when he was off work. I laughed and told her, ”No”, and that I did most of the cooking. She asked me if I cooked a lot. I told her I did. Then she asked what was “on the menu” that night. When I told her Eggplant Parmesan, she said, “Wow! Y’all must eat really healthy!”…Yes, FRIED eggplant over PASTA is definitely HEALTHY!! I guess I do like her way of thinking!

Bag Lady told me about a friend of hers that had a 500lb pig named Honker. She said he was the sweetest pet pig. One day, he got too far in the pond while trying to cool off and couldn’t get out. Since he weighed 500lb no one was able to go in and get him. They just had to watch as he drowned. She said it was really hard on all of them. REALLY?!

I have (had) a purple pen. It is one of those sharpie like marker pens. When I know that someone is coming to work with us, I hide the pen behind some notes on my computer. I do this on Tuesdays and Thursdays also. Last week, The Bag Lady found said pen and started using it when I was at lunch. When I returned to my desk, she held up the pen and said, “I really like this pen. Is it yours?” In my head I’m thinking, “Seriously? Is it mine? Of course it is mine. You found it on my desk, hidden behind some papers!” Instead of saying all that, I just shook my head Yes. She said, “I’ve been using it on all my stuff. I think I’ll just use it today. That’s ok, right?” Really?! What was I going to do? I just rolled my eyes, shrugged and went about my business. This week, while on the phone with her supervisor, she found the pen again. She held it up and said, “I really like this pen. I’m just going to put it in my box. That’s ok, right? I just like whenever I write with it, it just POPS!” I just stared at her. “Is it yours?” Again…REALLY?! Is it mine?! I’m thinking I’m about to smack her! Not even trying to mask my frustration, I said, “Yes, it is mine, but do whatever you want with the pen. I don’t even care anymore.” She turned and put the pen in her box and carried on with her conversation.

Speaking of phone conversations, one day she called a patient to get some information from her. First of all, she didn’t introduce herself as calling from the doctor’s office. She just said who she was like they were best friends. Then in mid sentence, we hear, “What’s that? Are those your dogs? Oh, how many do you have? What kind are they? I love dogs. I have some of my own. Oh, I just needed to get the fax number to your office so I can send that work note. Oh! Is everything ok? I hear them barking in the background. Are you alright? Ok, well, thanks for the number. I’ll send that over.”

Reb's World